Identity crisis

Who am I? What is my identity? I, as an individual, am supposed to have some set of characteristics & that identifies me uniquely. Bad luck, I don't think I am supposed to cling on to those set of traits any more.

The world is changing. Financial crises, natural calamities, civilian revolutions.. yet the transition in my case is far too radical. Way beyond anything I could've ever imagined. Had I anticipated such a change, I would've at least tried to prepare myself for it. Or was I too blinded by my dreams to have noticed this impending change? Perhaps too blinded by fantasies to have taken anything seriously.

Yet, the "society" does not want me to change. It assumes that I am "something"; no, it decides on my behalf that I am "something", marks me with an 'X' mark right across my forehead and wants me to remain that way. If I protest, if I express my desire to change.. I'll be considered one of the heretics disturbing the balance in this so called civilized society.

Perhaps it is this very stimulus that triggers the feeling of hatred in people. The feeling of being oppressed. The feeling of being stomped upon.. by the heavy boots of conservative dogma. People either kill or get killed to free our minds from that oppression. And if I choose the same path, I'll only become one more insignificant (read "significant on a minor scale") creature ready to be squashed out of existence.

Fortunately or unfortunately, i cannot choose this path. Talking about it, I don't have an alternative path to take either. I am in the middle of no where, searching for a way out when actually there is no way out. Even a confused mouse in a maze is in a better situation, because it can try out new routes by trial and error. A comfort that is not available in my case.

If incidents & events describe what a person has been through.. if experiences determine what shaped a personality.. if memories decide how the person is going to live the future.. what identity can that person hold if the whole world is trying to wipe these 3 factors out of his life? He can no longer be himself. Without even one of these.. a person is as good as a temporary biological entity in a vegetative state.

I wonder why we think amnesiacs are at a disadvantage. An ideal amnesiac is my definition of a gifted person. He does not have to remember a thing that has happened in the past. He need not worry about the future, because he won't remember it anyway. The only thing he has to worry about is his "present" (the "gift", that is). No haunting memories.. no feeling of guilt.. no pain of loss.

Without this gift.. I am bound to suffer, while simultaneously trying to appreciate the boons I had received so far. If the only thing that is constant is change.. the change has to oscillate the status quo between things that are pro-me and con-me. And if it is in such a way as to hurl the way things are going into an unpredictable trajectory.. taking every possible advantage away from me.. I can no longer lie dormant. That leaves me no choice.. but to fight...