Identity crisis

Who am I? What is my identity? I, as an individual, am supposed to have some set of characteristics & that identifies me uniquely. Bad luck, I don't think I am supposed to cling on to those set of traits any more.

The world is changing. Financial crises, natural calamities, civilian revolutions.. yet the transition in my case is far too radical. Way beyond anything I could've ever imagined. Had I anticipated such a change, I would've at least tried to prepare myself for it. Or was I too blinded by my dreams to have noticed this impending change? Perhaps too blinded by fantasies to have taken anything seriously.

Yet, the "society" does not want me to change. It assumes that I am "something"; no, it decides on my behalf that I am "something", marks me with an 'X' mark right across my forehead and wants me to remain that way. If I protest, if I express my desire to change.. I'll be considered one of the heretics disturbing the balance in this so called civilized society.

Perhaps it is this very stimulus that triggers the feeling of hatred in people. The feeling of being oppressed. The feeling of being stomped upon.. by the heavy boots of conservative dogma. People either kill or get killed to free our minds from that oppression. And if I choose the same path, I'll only become one more insignificant (read "significant on a minor scale") creature ready to be squashed out of existence.

Fortunately or unfortunately, i cannot choose this path. Talking about it, I don't have an alternative path to take either. I am in the middle of no where, searching for a way out when actually there is no way out. Even a confused mouse in a maze is in a better situation, because it can try out new routes by trial and error. A comfort that is not available in my case.

If incidents & events describe what a person has been through.. if experiences determine what shaped a personality.. if memories decide how the person is going to live the future.. what identity can that person hold if the whole world is trying to wipe these 3 factors out of his life? He can no longer be himself. Without even one of these.. a person is as good as a temporary biological entity in a vegetative state.

I wonder why we think amnesiacs are at a disadvantage. An ideal amnesiac is my definition of a gifted person. He does not have to remember a thing that has happened in the past. He need not worry about the future, because he won't remember it anyway. The only thing he has to worry about is his "present" (the "gift", that is). No haunting memories.. no feeling of guilt.. no pain of loss.

Without this gift.. I am bound to suffer, while simultaneously trying to appreciate the boons I had received so far. If the only thing that is constant is change.. the change has to oscillate the status quo between things that are pro-me and con-me. And if it is in such a way as to hurl the way things are going into an unpredictable trajectory.. taking every possible advantage away from me.. I can no longer lie dormant. That leaves me no choice.. but to fight...

Phone a friend..

Jan 23rd, 2007. Time - 10:30 pm. I was on my way home, driving through the chilly streets of Hyderabad. I wasn't sure if it was the winter, or if it was me not wearing a jacket, it was really hard to control the bike, i wasn't even riding at the bike's top speed (well, that was around an incredible 65 kmph). Hyderabad is too big a city for me. I was wondering how long it would take for me to reach my destination. Still 10 KM away from home, and my mobile started ringing.

I hate answering my mobile when i am driving, but this call could be from the high command (dad, that is). I pulled over and took out my phone, only to see an unknown number flashing on the display. I wanted to ignore the call, but sometimes my friends happen to call even from strangers' mobiles. So I wanted to finish it quickly and answered the call.

 "Hello?" - I instantly recognized the caller's voice, somehow; it was the voice of a typical female sales executive, one who would try to lure you into joining their club, the promotional gifts for which would never arrive. Anyway, I don't know the person.

"Who is this?"

"Can I speak to Sarath?"

Of course not. "Sorry, wrong number"

"Oh, I'm sorry" and she hung up

I resumed my long journey. 2 minutes later, the phone rung again. Same number, same girl. I ignored the call. 2 more minutes and she gave another ring. and another. and another. Now what's so urgent that someone can disturb a stranger at this hour?

"Hello?"

"I am really sorry for bothering you at this hour, but this is the number they gave me. They said I should be able to reach sarath at this number"

"Who gave you this number?"

"Actually I am searching for my childhood friend, sarath. He had been missing since 10th class"

"I tell you .. this is the wrong number, don't bug me like that, i'm driving right now."

"I have been searching for him for years now, I really miss him"

I really felt like strangling her. "Listen lady, you got the wrong number. I'm hanging up, and don't dial my number again". and I hung up.

This girl was definitely enjoying the little joke, she called me again. Fine then, I decided to run her out of talktime.

"what's your problem?"

"guys enjoy talking to beautiful girls at this hour. what's wrong with you?"

to hell with your theory. "oh really? it's good to hear that you think you are beautiful, but not everyone is interested in talking to strangers like this."

"strangers? fine, let's be friends then. my name is kalyani, what's your name?"

"my name is pawan kalyan"

"oh c'mon, i told you my name. why don't you tell your name"

"that's my name. kalyan. pawan kalyan" "bond. james bond.

"is that your real name?"

"yes it is"

"very interesting. i'm a student, from vijayawada. where are you from? what do you do?"

"i'm a software engineer" i blurted out. It was really strange, I could lie about my name, but when it came to my profession, the first thing that came to my mouth was 'SOFTWARE ENGINEER'

"oh, so you are from hyderabad" she assumed naturally.

Darn you, that's the last thing i want you to know about me. "ok buddy, listen, its freezing cold out here and i need to reach home as soon as possible. we'll talk later, ok? bye"

"ok, bye" and she hung up

2 days later, i got a call from the same number. i didn't recognize the number, so i answered the call.

"Hi buddy, remember me?"

"Ah! yes, anveshitha, tell me. 

"Anveshitha? who's that?"

"you were searching for your lost friend, weren't you? that's why you must be named Anveshitha. were you able to find him?"

"not yet. anyway.. how's the climate in hyderabad? you know in vijayawada, it's just too hot. i want to quit the computer classes because i am unable to cycle all the way to the institute... blah blah blah.." and she went on describing herself and the significant events in her life. She continued calling me regularly. I paid attention to her only when i had nothing else to do. I remember very little of what she had told me over phone. This went on for a couple of weeks.

One day she called me and said she had something important to tell me.

"what is it?"

"i really don't know how to tell you. i've never been in such a situation before"

"oh really. what is it"

"it is not easy to say it.."

"good. don't say it"

"i don't mean i won't say it. but it is just very difficult to.."

"ok anveshitha i've got to go. catch you later."

"oh no, please don't hang up. i'll tell you what it is"

"yes tell me"

"i.. i.. i love you"

thank goodness i reached the climax of a really long joke.

"gud joke. bye"

"i mean it buddy, i really mean it."

"so what do you want me to do?"

"stupid, a girl just proposed to you and you are asking her what to do?"

now she was getting on my nerves. "what makes you think you can call me stupid? you're the idiot you keep calling for no reason and play such pranks. shame on you. blah blah? blah blah blah."

"accept my proposal. tell that you love me"

"you can go to hell"

"i'll die if you won't say i love you"

"shut up rascal. is this your idea of a joke? is this what your parents taught you?"

more blah blah from me.

"give me one reason why you cannot reciprocate"

reason, my foot. "you want a reason? fine. i have a girl friend. reasonable enough? now go get a life.."

perhaps i was enjoying scolding her.. this went on for 2 more minutes.

"calm down. i know that it is not possible for you to reciprocate. you know, i am going to die anyway"

Man! is this just another suicide case? 3 years ago, i talked to a guy on yahoo chat, who wanted to kill himself because his girl friend cheated him. this time, i didn't want to get involved.

"are you mad? do you entertain yourself by scaring people like this?"

"no pal, i really am dying. i am a cancer patient"

this was getting sentimental. "are you kidding?"

"no i'm not. i was kidding about the i love you part."

i had this strange feeling that she wasn't lying. cancer patients need not sound like devdas. yet, after listening to her enthusiastic voice all these days, i couldn't believe that she was a terminally ill patient.

for the first time, instead of being passive, i started 'TALKING' to her. she told me that she had leukemia. her health was beyond repair by then, and doctors gave her 6 months to live. her family went all out to give every possible extension to her life span. she wanted to go for higher education, get married and live a happy life, but God didn't give her that chance. so she decided to accept her fate and live her last days to the fullest extent. i continued my 'telephonic' conversations with her.

"i am going on a tour now"

"what kind of tour? ooty, simla..?"

"no man, i am going to visit all the pilgrim centers in india"

"all the centers in india?"

"as many as possible before i die". that sentence pained me a lot.

she used to call me whenever she visited a new place

"i'm in chilukuru now"

"wow, heard that it's a nice place"

"yes. i am going to ask chilukuru balaji to give me a few more months to live"

I wished with all my heart that this whole cancer ordeal should be a joke. i used to ask her to tell me the truth, to tell me that this was only a prank. she used to laugh. i didn't mind being a fool in the end, but i wanted to her to live. all things she wanted to do in life.. they shouldn't just end up as dreams.

"i'll be in hyderabad this weekend. can we meet?"

"i think so. what time?"

"actually i have very little time. i'll have to change trains, and the waiting time would be an hour or two"

"that's ok, i'll see you at the railway station"

i called her when i reached the station. she told me that she was wearing a red saree, waiting near the cafeteria. and yes, there she was, waiting for me. looking at her from 200 yards away, i thought that this whole thing was a joke after all. there was nothing ostensibly wrong with her. but as i approached her, i knew she wasn't lying.

she was tall, but looked like a true patient. with eye balls deep in her eye sockets, dark circles under her eyes and her very lean build, she was definitely ill. i slowly approached her.

"hi anveshitha"

"hi! so here you are. after all these days of chat over phone."

"yes, good to see you"

"good to see you too. now do you believe me? i wasn't lying" she smiled.

she was accompanied by her uncle & aunt. we went into the cafetaria and had some coke. she talked animatedly, waving her hands and giving a variety of facial expressions. she was vivacious. we talked for about half an hour. the very thought that such a person had to die was killing me. i couldn't stand it any longer.

"all right then, time to go"

"but my train has not arrived yet"

"yeah, but i have some urgent task now. got to go"

 i rose to leave, she followed me out of the cafeteria.

"do you really have to leave now? can't you spend another half an hour with me?"

it was too much for me "listen buddy, i told you that i would come. and i've come. now i have to leave. i've got places to be"

"ok then, go away. bye"

she turned away from me. like a child, she was angry with me. but she was teary-eyed.

"i'm really sorry anveshitha, i didn't mean to hurt you. but.."

"it's ok. thanks for coming. thanks for spending your time with me."

another 5 min with her.. and i bade farewell and left the station. only when i started driving did i notice tears in my eyes too.

over the next few days, i reduced talking to her on the phone. at that point of time, she wasn't even my friend, and i feared that any kind of emotional attachment to her would be excruciating for me in the end. i wanted to escape that anguish. she had so many things to tell me. but i always avoided talking to her, giving all kinds of excuses. gradually i started ignoring her calls. she used to ring me up once in every 2-3 days. eventually, she stopped calling.

I don't know whether i was right or wrong. I might've made a mistake. All i can do today is curse myself for taking that decision.

today, i don't even remember her name. kalyani is only a name that i fabricated for writing this whole post, in fact i never knew her name. and she never knew mine. the only name i remember is the one i gave her, anveshitha.

Some day, i'll definitely see her again. atleast in my after life. and when i get to see her, i have only one thing to tell her.. "Anveshitha.. can i be your friend..."